"Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse."
~ Henry Van Dyke
Last week was a quiet Thanksgiving for me and the goon squad. There was no real effort expended, no pomp, no circumstance. I had intended to post a long, cliché list of the things in my life for which I am grateful, but that led me to thinking about walking the walk versus talking the talk.
In talking to several of my friends, logging on to social media and reading the news last week suddenly it seemed overpowering how difficult this season can be for so many. Maybe it's just that I am oblivious or have been unreasonably lucky, but I thought about facing this time of year under many of the circumstances that crossed my path last week and being thankful had a much deeper meaning to me. So while I could simply list and pay lip service to the blessings in my life, I think it is more important to find a way to live in a way that expresses my gratitude.
I went through a very dark time myself a number of years ago as I was building a life for myself and my two babies after a rough divorce. It seemed like every time I turned around there was some new crisis popping up and knocking the wind out of me. It took me a little while but I worked on implementing coping strategies in my life and shock of all shocks- they worked. So take it for what it's worth, but living in a perpetual state of gratitude is how my dark days turned sunny:
1. Take time each day to say out loud (even if only to yourself) 3 things you are grateful for. This was the first step I took. One of the many nights I was awake in the wee hours wondering how I was going to make ends meet, I looked around and took stock. I was pregnant and healthy, my 7 month old daughter was thriving and I lived in a beautiful place (San Diego, not my horrid apartment). The next day, it was the ability to keep my holiday traditions and begin new ones with my growing family. And so on every day until I was more focused on what I had than what I didn't.
2. Use broader perspective when assessing "problems." In other words, look at the big picture. Each time I had a catastrophe in the early years, I thought it was the end of the world and couldn't see a way out. Sleepless nights and frantic phone calls became a way of life. It took a few months, but I realized a pattern- things kept working out. And that is a fundamental truth in life- things will always work out, maybe not in the way that's hoped for or expected, but then you can...
3. Adapt and keep moving. Don't let the speed bumps stop you in your tracks. Life goes on. Cliché, cliché, cliché.... but truth. One last cliché- don't dwell in the past. Even if the past was yesterday. Wallow quickly, then move on.
4. Clear your head. Every time I get bad news now- the kind that will cost me quality pillow time or send me on a crying jag- the first thing I do is go find the most important people in my world (the goon squad) and we go do something cheerful- IMMEDIATELY. I was unexpectedly downsized a couple of years ago before my kids were school age. I pulled them out of daycare and we went whale watching (for one day only, I'm not a Rockefeller). It put me in a better frame of mind to deal with the drama. Act, don't react. With that cooler, calmer head I found that I had an easier time figuring out how to get myself out of the tough spots I sometimes found myself in.
5. Don't try to be an island. I often joke that I am a lone wolf, or an island.... or an island with a lone wolf living on it. But that's not really true. I have great friends... and a family. It's ok to ask for help and reach out to your support system. Chances are good, that if asked nicely, someone will help.
6. Express thanks to those who do help- either with old fashioned thank you notes (a dying art form) or with a reciprocal gesture. People like to feel appreciated. Period.
9. Pick 2 charities and give. You can obviously pick as many causes as you want, but for me I find that my bleeding heart would bankrupt my family. There are so many less fortunate people than myself, but I can't support them all. And damn it, Sarah McLauchlin, I would run a giant pet rescue if I could- we all would, you've made your point. My two are organizations that work for sick children and orphaned baby elephants (because I defy anyone to say no to that kind of cute emotional blackmail). That said my kids and I still do Toys for Tots every year- I've broken my own rule. 9. Volunteer. This one is twofold. First- it does the heart good to get involved and give back. Coaching peewee soccer is the absolute best part of my week. If you have kids, check into the organizations they are involved in- chances are they need hands on deck more than they need a donation. And when you were a kid involved in these activities that enriched your childhood someone else donated their time to you. If you don't have kids, Sarah McLauchlin would still like you to know that there are animals in shelters that may need walking or fostering. Second- it helps with building your own community ties and support structure.
10. Pursue your passions. "Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving."- W.T. Purkiser To me, it is extremely important to use our gifts and talents for good.... and simply use them at all. If painting, singing, creating high fashion designs out of rubberbands or fly fishing in the Adirondacks make you happy, but you never do it, what good is it? This is even more true if it's a talent that can be shared with others- either by selling/gifting your work or teaching others.
11. Keep complaining to a minimum. This is one I am embarrassed to admit takes the most work. I am a naturally snarky person- note my Sarah McLauchlin comments. There is a difference between being witty and being a downer. I saw a sign on the highway once that said "Be a fountain, not a drain." That really stuck with me and is something I strive, stumble on and then strive again for.12. Random acts of kindness are good for the soul. My daughter, now 7, didn't so much as take a sip if her water one night while we were out dining. My friend suggested just pouring the water in the bay and getting on our way, but it was one of the hottest days of the year. There were a number of homeless people around, so my daughter and I tried to offer it to one of them. We got 3 "no, thank you's" but the fourth man lit up like he had been handed a present. It was literally just "gently used" water. But that was the moment my kid caught the bug- every time she sees a homeless person now she has a snack or bottle of water ready... and if not, she asks me to buy a meal and I usually do. It's great both seeing her charitable soul and seeing the impact it has when offered.
Living graciously is not an exact science, nor is it always easy, but I find that I end up feeling better about myself and my life when employing any combination of these strategies. I'm no guru though, so if all else fails, the Golden Rule is a great rule of thumb. And if that still seems hard, fake it until you make it. You will eventually make it.
